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[Wednesday
June 25th, 2008
2:27pm] |
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I don’t know what the truth is. Here I am trying to get help and trying to be hones but i don't know that is real. It’s unsettling not know what the truth is, especially if it’s just a perception. Am i feeling that i think im feeling? Or am i manipulating my own self. I don't know if i believe myself or trust myself. I don't know does everyone else question what they feel. Not what motivates it, but if they are actually feeling it. You would think it be simple and human. Yet somehow i manage to make it to a complex and almost and disturbing process. I’ve been liking things up and cant find anything that really fits what im going through, if im going through anything at all. Basically im in a state of confusion. I learn not to believe how i view people treatment and opinion of me. Im projecting. But now i don’t know whether to believe myself. What my motive what’s my reasoning. Im honest here in that i don’t know if im for real or if I’m faking it. There are so many question and uncertainties. Im question my emotion, my mental health, normalcy and my true personality. If it's all make believe, why do i do this and how do i overcome this, if there’s anything to overcome. To begin with. And if it's real, what is it. Am i just depressed or is there something more. Could all this just be explain away by dismissing it as simple depression? I feel fine now. Now happy not sad just a bit confuse. It doesn’t seem like a problem until i start up again am i even depressed. Maybe im just normal sad. Do normal sad people ever think of suicide just a little or running away or hurt themselves? Question their very thoughts? I don't think im normal. But you never know I’m not crazy emotional stage, so im not sure. I couldn’t even tell you how frequently i experience or how long. I put myself through things. I torture myself. I think. And i don't even know why. I can’t think of anything to say. i Just remember, on my way to Livermore, i world picture opening the door and falling, i don't know if it's because i think it would kill me or just to do it, to see. It’s just like running away. Lol, I have a long list of questions and no clue how to answer them. Im so confused. Okay, i feel like im going to smile and cry at the same time. I think i might be doing this to myself. Im feeling anxious and angry. I want to yell at them. You’re an hour late. But i want to go. I don't want to hurt my dad. Im not going, as much as i want to talk. Im just going to be mad at them and just going to keep my dad up. 9.36
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| Hello My Prettys |
[Wednesday
June 25th, 2008
1:11pm] |
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Okay,so i have a journal i just got. I've written about 6 pages, all about emotions and thoughts. I'm going to write them here. I need to and want to. It's complicated to understand. But yea, i feel it's a necessity. Grammar need not apply. Im just free stylin it
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| The weekly report from demi d |
[Friday
March 7th, 2008
7:51pm] |
Hello. Well how's been everyone?
Want entertainment? Go to makeoversolutions.com
It will not dissapoint
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| So was is there to say? |
[Wednesday
February 20th, 2008
11:16pm] |
I haven't been on-line lately. I've been busy. Well, i was and thought, hmm i should update this shit. Most of my friends (you guys) are people i actually don't see often or even talk to for that matter. Did you guys know i dyed my hair. It's brown. I bought new clothes, new shoes, i have new songs on my iPod. I'm gonna play softball. And above all else, i feel changed. Not even in the gradual, time changes, it's life way. I can't explain it.
I wish i still saw you guys everyday. Routine fun, crazy, normal way. I miss the connections, the closeness, the friendship. You guys are still my friends, but i feel so seperated, despite myspace, aim, livejournal, facebook and cell. Technology hasn't really kept us together. I kinda knew it wouldn't. No, it's soul to body to soul again way i need. I dunno, i just miss you all. Hope this isn't to hippie sounding. Oh well, i'll try to come on more. C'mon C'mon
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| hmm...does this count as an update? |
[Wednesday
December 26th, 2007
12:16am] |
1. What is something on a medium that has moved you, inspired you, or touched you? (a book, a movie, a picture, a quote, etc) & Why?
I dunno. Nothing really ever sticks with me. But i guess for a brief moment, everything does.
2. What REALLY makes you want to scream? (Leave out the words "indie" "hipster" "scene" and "overrated")
People who are unwilling to open their eyes. I know mines are shut, but hell, i'm trying
3. Favorite part of your body and why?
Hmmmm, this is a toughie for me. I'll say my lips or my hands. I really can't find anything to complain about them two.
4. Something weird, unusual that turns you on?
Scars, tattoos and piercings on guys. It's so hot.
5. What's your view on love?
I don't know anything about it..
6. How embarassing! Explain.
Lots of thing embarass me. I overthink situation untill they become embarassing. But i'm letting go of that. Now i just laugh it off.
7. Well you just fucked up really bad. How do you say sorry?
I don't know. I just say it.
8. Something great you've created? (Pictures welcome!)
My diary, by my own standards of course. Im not a great a writer, but reading just makes me feel things. Lol, oh and this one song i just hecka like. I'll post it up sometime.
9. Show me your favorite thing in the entire UNIVERSE.
Friends who become family.
10. Say something really shallow.
I've liked a douche bag just because he was hot.
11. What are you passionate about?
I wish i knew.
12. Why're you so insecure, emo kid? Explain.
I guess i don't feel i'm good enough. I want to feel needed. I wanted feel like i'm alright. It's that whole idea that i am flawed beyond repair or care.
13. Your true hero. Explain.
I find inspiration in everyone
14. Unhealthy (or healthy!) obsessions?
Music, I live my life with it.
15. Your song. Not necessarily your theme song, just well, your song. (Example: "DIS MAH SONG!")
Warning by Incubus or How Soon is Now by The Smiths
16. Tell me what you were like when you were 10.
That was the 4th/5th Grade. I had long hair and was still a tomboy. I loved math and love to think of the world. I didn't feel like i belong, and just wanted to be normal.
17. Movies, songs and books you don't like to tell people you like.
I may rock out to Hanson every now and then
18. Tell me one time you felt really sexy.
Never...how does that feel like?
19. Describe yourself in 3 words with more than 2 syllables. (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is totally acceptable!)
Evolving, empathetic, and creative.
20. And final question, what do you think of YOU?
You know what, I'm a lot better.
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[Saturday
October 13th, 2007
8:36pm] |
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Hey
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| On a very random note... |
[Friday
October 12th, 2007
5:48am] |
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I'm feeling quite unpretty as of late. It hit me, the only person that really ever called beautiful or pretty on a regular basis was my mom. I dunno if that's having any affect on me. I just know i feel very ugly, to the point where i just want to cry when i look in mirror. Oh well. Just feeling bad for myself. I want to bring my self up. But i feel my personality has been lacking as of late. I... Dunno. I'll find a way. Love you alls so much.
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[Thursday
September 27th, 2007
12:38pm] |
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That's the count down. Next week on the 4th will officially be one month. That means alot to me. Cause it be more than a month from a memory from her. If that makes sense. I feel like i'll lose a part of her. Again, it's really one of those things you can't explain. I just miss her like crazy. Okay. I'm gonna try to go to sleep now. It's 1'o clock in the morning and i have class at 8. I'll write more later and not on my cell phone. Love you mucho!
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[Thursday
September 27th, 2007
12:38pm] |
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Okay. So this is my first post in awhile. It's also the first post since my mama died. It's weird. I feel like it's a lie to say that...but it's not. I'm still very much in denial i believe. Every now and then it actually hits me. I don't have anymore moments with her. No more playing cards. No more starbucks runs. No more days of it being just up two, shopping and eating. It sucks. It was weird. I saw a mom and daughter together. It actually made me cry. I couldn't explain it, still can't. I guess it's one of those moments when it actually feels true. Those times are hard. I'm glad i'm in denial. Cause when i'm not, i just fall apart. I cry codenriet to breathe. I know does me no good. That no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do, that she ain't coming back. All i wann do is hold her hand, lay on her shoulder and look her in the eyes and tell her how much i love her. One month ago was the last time she was home with us. She went to the hospital around 5. She never came back :(
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[Saturday
August 11th, 2007
4:38pm] |
I'm home now. Back from CSSSA, ready to experience life over the soCal, NorCal border. It was truly one of the greatest times of my life. I made some wonderful friends and have a few more Sisters. I feel different. More confident, and less worried in a way. It's weird being home again. I expect to see all the familiar faces. But I don't. There's no Ari, or Alex, or Darius, Eric, or Cryseis. No Masis practicing piano. No niles or jeffrey to hide from. No Calvin and his creepiness. No kristina and our jello jesus fun. I have the Mexican Jew hat. I dont have him. No one to talk to, or to steal my ipod or phone. No music,no art, no writing, no dance, no acting. Just home. Which is great. I have to readjust. More than ever, i feel the hobo life is for me. I'll let you guys in all of the CSSSA stories in a bit. Previews, Jello fights, Walmart walks, 80's night, Party with the RA's, 24 hours project, Pop drop and rip it, you just rubbed your banana on me, Juan De la Cruz, My name is blank and I'm not from stockton, Earthquake!!!, Now you have clean clothes, ride the elevator, Greek God, Boob snatcher, I aint no lollerback girl, Mexican Jew, Loves is masturbation with sand paper.3 piece fork mountain dew, and oh shit i;m going to be late for curfew and i only have 30 minutes to clean this fucking mess. Enjoy!
The last time you see something, it's like the first time you see it.
Whenever you go back, it's never the same.
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| I want to... |
[Friday
July 6th, 2007
10:18pm] |
keep pushing, and pushing till it's all gone.
I can't help it.
I want to be alone.
I hate being alone.
Too close.
Way too close.
I want to keep pushing.
Push, push, push.
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[Tuesday
July 3rd, 2007
10:27pm] |
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Yeah....boys suck and should not be given anything that can break.
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[Wednesday
June 27th, 2007
9:20pm] |
Right here right now I feel destined never to really be wanted. I feel like a disappointment, yet I don't feel depressed. Just a bit under whelmed after feeling so much. I guess its okay.
Do you ever get the feeling that maybe you are not meant be in relationships? I do, and this notion is keeping me from being a positive thinker. Oh well, maybe it's just life. I am the friend of the girl you want. Maybe it’s not enough to be human...maybe there's something more. I’m just lacking it.
Good day.
The only reason this is not set on private is because I realize if I can't be honest with my friends, who can I be honest with?
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[Wednesday
June 27th, 2007
9:12pm] |
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Damn....
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| Im a Fuck UP |
[Friday
June 22nd, 2007
6:46pm] |
I know i am, but i dont want to be. Im going let things go now, and not be afraid. Im not going to let insecurities get the best of me, i let that happen to many times before. Im not going to let myself feel guilty when i feel like im not crap.
I've spent so much time wishing and dreaming and all the things that come with being me. Im not going to let those things go, because i love it. Daydreaming is my number 1 hobby that leads to eveything i love, writing, doodling, drawing, singing and acting. But im going to act some of them out. And im going to be okay if i fail. Cause i have my friends, who will always help me out and build me back up if i break.
Im going to do what i can, not force myself to be some else, but to be a more confident me. Im okay, and thats not a horrible thing to say about yourself.
And to who ever reads this, if anyone does, can you help me stick with it. Because honestly, i dont think i can do this on my own
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[Wednesday
May 2nd, 2007
4:36pm] |
| Your Psyche is Blue | 
You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you.
By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go.
While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side.
When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you
When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding |
| You Are a Seeker Soul | 
You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul |
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[Saturday
March 24th, 2007
5:52pm] |
Hello again.
Let's see.
My dog had puppies.
They are obvioulsy adorable.
I started work today.
Not bad.
Im a sample lady at costco.
I smell like tuna.
I am now an expert tuna sandwish maker.
Best believe that.
I am totally buying morrisey tickets next week.
I will go to the show.
And i will like it.
U was going to say/do something else.
I forget what it was.
Oh yeah, ivinte caitlin to my play.
Got's that in my head.
I went to do something.
I have no idea what the line above the one above is suppose to mean.
Im going to do something.
Bye.
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| It feels like summer |
[Saturday
February 17th, 2007
7:55pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Nelly Furtado- Shit on the Radio |
] |
Yesterday was awesome. It's was a very good day.
Today feels like summer. I don't know how im feeling.
Most of you know what im talking about. I think i made up my mind.
Im over it. I love all my friends!
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| I did this and then i realize it wasnt shuffled haha im slow |
[Saturday
December 23rd, 2006
2:10pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Lots of music |
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So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...just type it in man!
Opening Credits:
PCP by Manic Street Preachers
Waking Up:
Down By Blink
First Day At School:
Buddy Holly by Weezer
Falling In Love:
La Camisa Negra by Juanes
Fight Song:
Sin ti By humo
Breaking Up:
Killing moon by Echo and the bunnymen
Prom:
Stay together for the kids by blink (haha)
Life:
Blury by Puddle of Mudd
Mental Breakdown:
Archive of pain by MSP
Driving:
Happy Song by Pogoda
Flashback:
Fotographia by Juanes (that is just awesome)
Getting Back Together:
Nada Valgo sin tu amor by Juanes (again, perfect)
Wedding:
Spiderwebs by No Doubt
Birth of Child:
Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham (dude...wow)
Final Battle:
Dammit by Blink
Death Scene:
Save Yourself by Sense Field XD
Funeral Song:
Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie (Again, XD )
End Credits:
Karma Police by Radiohead =)
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ableuangel589's journal